The Influence of your Past

If you’ve been betrayed in a prior relationships or trust was a problem in your family growing up, then you’re apt to be on the lookout for signs of distrust. If you’re in denial or have unresolved anger or hurt from the past, you run the risk of either provoking problems in a new relationship where none exist; or on the other hand, unconsciously attracting untrustworthy partners. See my article See my article To Trust or Mistrust–Part I about how to evaluate trustworthiness.

Codependents and Trust

Codependents have issues with trust. They’re prone to distrust people or the reverse. They trust too easily. Frequently, they do both. The reasons lie in growing up in a dysfunctional family.

Distrust

If there was addiction or family secrets, the family’s denial about it is a lie, so children learn to distrust their parents and their own perceptions of reality. Usually, parents are well-intentioned and try to minimize or deny the truth about what’s going on to protect their children. It’s confusing to children, who see through their parents’ statements. Other times, parents make excuses and lie to look good or defend their position and hide their own guilt or shame. Parents also blame children to avoid their own responsibility and break or deny promises, further undermining trust. When parents don’t follow through with commitments, show-up where they’re supposed to on time, have inconsistent, arbitrary, or unfair punishments, they also break their children’s trust. The same goes for neglect, adultery, criminality, and physical or emotional abuse or abandonment.

Too Trusting

The following factors work together and can cause you to trust too easily:

1. Wanting to trust
2. Idealizing authority figures or partners in romantic relationships
3. Dependency – needing the relationship
4. Distrust or denial of your own reality

Although untrustworthy parents can cause you to be distrustful, the unfulfilled childhood desire to trust is still present. This unconscious longing to trust them leads you to project trustworthiness onto certain people, particularly in close relationships reminiscent of familial love. This wish coupled with dependency needs, including the need to be taken care of, cause you to deny, overlook, or rationalize data that would otherwise signal lace of trustworthiness. When parents deny or contradict your reality, you also learn to discount your perceptions, feelings, and intuition. The combination of these forces influence you to trust people, especially those you love, whom others don’t.

Rebuilding Trust

Once trust has been broken, an apology may not be sufficient to rectify damage to the relationship. Explanations and excuses can make matters worse. Six components are important to rebuild trust:

1. Listen to the other person’s anger and hurt feelings.
2. Empathize with them.
3. Ask what is needed to prevent a reocurrence.
4. Be conscientious to do all the things listed that show trustworthiness.
5. Take full responsibility for your actions. Don’t sidestep the issue or try to shift blame to the other person.
6. Make a heartfelt apology expressing your regret.
7. Continue to have open and honest communication.

Open and honest communication about what happened is essential. Ask the hurt partner what he or she needs from you and any suggestions about what’s needed to avoid repetition of the behavior. These questions show respect for the person’s feelings and needs and will be appreciated. They go much further than a simple apology. If it’s a serious betrayal, you can expand the conversation to include the relationship as a whole and discuss how you both can help the relationship. If you’re unable to rebuild trust by talking to each other, if the problem reoccurs, or if the violation of trust involves infidelity, you may need the assistance of a professional therapist to help you communicate as a couple and also to uncover the causes that led to the problem. Usually, infidelity can be a sign of a problem in the marriage as well as an individual issue. When addiction is involved, including sex addiction, the help of a Twelve Step program can be very beneficial. Seeking support outside the relationship isn’t a sign of weakness. It shows commitment to the relationship and reassures the injured person that his or her partner is taking the problem seriously and willing to make an effort to change. The last step is very important, because once trust has been broken, although it may seem as if all is forgiven and back to normal, doubts and hurt often continue to linger in the aggrieved person’s mind and heart. It may take months or even years for a serious wound to heal. ©Darlene Lancer 2012

Evaluating Trustworthiness

When you’ve grown up in an environment where your parents kept secrets or invalidated your perceptions, you learned to doubt yourself. You may become distrustful and/or the opposite, suggestible to what others say and disconnected from your own inner guidance system. Either way, you’re not able to realistically evaluate other people. See my article, “Rebuilding Trust – Part II” to read more about the origins of the inability to evaluate trustworthiness.

The following are qualities to look for when you’re getting to know someone and evaluating a person’s trustworthiness. They’re one and the same as elements that create trust and safety in relationships.

Honest Communication

Open and honest communication is the cornerstone of good relationships and of building trust. This is a problem in codependent relationships, because partners have difficulty knowing and openly and honestly discussing their feelings. Communication is often indirect, reactive, and defensive. When you’re closed, it raises doubts and misunderstandings with your partner.

Honest communication requires that you’re assertive about what you want and need and that you openly express your feelings, including what you don’t like when you expect your partner to read your mind and have unspoken expectations, it leads to resentment and conflict and undermines trust. Similarly, when you hide negative feelings, they come out sideways in behavior, such as lateness, forgetfulness, infidelity, or withdrawal.  Your words and actions don’t match, which builds distrust.

Obviously, lying, breaking promises, keeping secrets, and denying things you’ve said quickly build distrust. It’s not worth losing your credibility over even a small lie or secret. Even shading the truth, can seriously injure trust and be hard to repair. It can cause your partner to doubt other, bigger things that you’re honest about.

Boundaries

Boundaries are limits. They’re important because they create a sense of safety. In getting to know someone, it’s important to have an honest discussion about the boundaries and privacy you’re comfortable with. You may desire boundaries regarding your belongings, space, emails, and conversations, which, if violated would cause you to distrust your partner. You may feel betrayed if a private conversation with your partner is repeated to his or her friend, or if he or she talks to one of your friends or relatives about you.

I felt my boundaries were violated when a date sent flowers to my office, which although a nice gesture, embarrassed me at work. I wanted a boundary between my work and private life. It caused me to distrust the man’s judgment and discretion and proved to be true in other areas. When you tell someone your boundaries and they ignore them, this creates a second violation – one of disrespect. You may have to explain the reasons for your boundaries with the person who has a totally different mindset.

A crucial boundary is the one around your body and sexuality. How much touching are you comfortable with early in your relationship, when and where? Are you going to be nonexclusive, sexually exclusive, or committed?  Physical and sexual boundaries are essential to allow and protect the intimacy in your relationship. Jealousy and infidelity or even the perception of infidelity can irreparably ruin a relationship. You and your partner may have different values about what is acceptable. Have a frank conversation about what you require to feel safe and loving. Don’t be accommodating or idealistic about it – be real!

Reliability

Simple things, like doing what you say you’ll do, returning loaned property, being on time, and keeping dates, build trust. These are all examples of “Walking the Talk.” Breaking promises, even small ones, creates disappointment. It also sends the message that the other person’s feelings and needs don’t matter. If it happens enough times, your partner loses trust and builds resentment that erodes the relationship.

Predictability

As you get to know someone, you construct an idea in your mind about who they are and that gives you a certain sense of comfort and security. If he or she starts behaving in very unpredictable ways or in a manner that’s inconsistent with what’s become the norm, it gives rise to mistrust and doubt about the person’s mental health, fidelity, or financial dealings. If you’re going through some changes, like changing your job or not feeling sexual, it’s best to have open, honest communication about it before questions arise.

Learning to Trust

Learning to trust is not so much about the other person as it is learning to trust your own perceptions and paying attention to your doubts and intuition. When you’re with someone, move your attention inward to see what sensations you experience in their presence. Anger, shame, guilt, and hurt are feelings may be a signal that your boundaries have been crossed by verbal abuse or manipulation. Spend time with yourself and notice the difference with and away from the other person.

Once trust is broken, specific steps are needed to rebuild it. See my article, See my article, “Rebuilding Trust – Part II”.

©Darlene Lancer 2012

There are all types of codependents, including caretakers, addicts, pleasers, and workaholics, to name a few. They all have one thing in common: They’ve lost the connection to their core. Their thoughts and behavior revolve around someone or something external, whether it’s a person or an addiction.

It’s as if they’re turned inside out. Instead of self-esteem, they have other esteem, based upon what others think and feel. Instead of meeting their own needs, they meet the needs of others, and instead of responding to their own thoughts and feelings, they react to those of others. Hence, they have to control others to feel okay, but that just makes matters worse. It’s a haywire system that leads to conflict and pain and makes emotional intimacy difficult.

Relationship Problems

Some people criticize the codependency movement and say that it’s created more loneliness. They argue that relationships are nurturing and that we’re naturally meant to be dependent. I couldn’t agree more, but the point is that codependent relationships are not only painful, but are sometimes destructive. Codependents have problems receiving the good stuff that relationships can potentially offer. Many choose partners who are unhealthy.

Codependency for Dummies explains the differences between codependent and healthy interdependent relationships, between healthy care-giving and codependent caretaking, and understanding the boundaries between responsibility for yourself and responsibility to others, something that eludes codependents.

Not all codependents are caretakers, but if you are, you have a hard time listening to other people’s problems without trying to help, sometimes even feeling responsible and guilty for their feelings. This creates high reactivity and arguments of blame and guilt. Couples blame each other for their own feelings and defend themselves when their partner shares his or her feelings.

Boundaries and Intimacy

What’s missing is a sense of separateness between them – called emotional boundaries – that your thoughts and feelings belong to you. “I’m not responsible for your feelings, and I didn’t make you feel them.” Weak boundaries make real intimacy difficult, if not impossible. For that to happen, you need to first have a sense of separate identify and feel safe enough to express your true feelings without feeling afraid of being criticized or rejected.

This is where the codependent core issue of low self-esteem comes in. When your sense of self is weak, you’re afraid of rejection and abandonment, but on the flip-side you fear losing yourself when you get attached in a relationship. You tend to give up your needs to accommodate your partner, sometimes letting go of outside friends and activities you used to enjoy. Even when your relationship isn’t working, you feel stuck or trapped. Contrary to common belief, many codependents aren’t even in relationships, because they’re afraid of losing their independence.

If you’re dating, you might have to dance a tightrope of pursuing partners, but never really commitment, or distancing yourself, but never really leaving. It’s a two-step that’s even done in marriages, but creates constant pain in the relationships, highlighted by fleeting moments of closeness – just enough to keep the dance going. Some couples give up on intimacy entirely.

Communication

Codependents have a dilemma. If you can’t say “No” without feeling guilty, you end up resentful from agreeing to things you rather not. Due to fears of rejection, you avoid taking positions at all costs – like a clever politician, you’re indirect and don’t want to say anything that might upset someone else. Additionally, due to guilt and low self-esteem, codependents are always explaining and justifying themselves.

Improving your communication by learning how to be assertive, how to set boundaries, and how to handle verbal abuse is a vital part of recovery.

Start Healing

Codependents spend their precious lives worrying about things and people over which they have no control. Healing from codependency starts with getting to know yourself better, honoring yourself, and expressing yourself. Here are some tips:

• Practice on saying “No.” Remember, “No” is a complete sentence.
• When someone tells you a problem, just listen. Say, “I understand. That’s a real problem.” Period!
• Identify your feelings throughout the day. Journal and share them.
• When you don’t feel great, ask yourself what you need. Try to meet that need, and reach out if necessary.
• Do things that make you happy. Don’t wait for someone else.

Building a relationship with yourself leaves you no time to worry about someone you can’t control. That’s how you heal codependency.

©Darlene Lancer, 2012

What isn’t talked about, but is serious, is emotional abuse that ranges from withholding to controlling, and includes manipulation and verbal abuse. The number of people affected is astronomical. Emotional abuse is insidious and slowly eats away at your confidence and self-esteem. The effects are long term, and can take even longer to recover from than blatant violence.

Facts about Abuse

Here are some facts you should know:

• Usually, abuse takes place behind closed doors.
• Abusers deny their actions.
• Abusers blame the victim.
• Violence is preceded by verbal abuse.
• It damages your self-esteem.

The Typical Abuser

You may not realize that abusers feel powerless. They don’t act insecure to cover up the truth. In fact, they’re often bullies. The one thing they all have in common is that their motive is to have power over you. This is because they don’t feel that they have personal power, regardless of worldly success. To them, communication is a win-lose game. Their personality profile is a person who is:

• Insecure
• Needy
• Distrustful
• Often jealous
• Needs to be in control
• Blames their behavior on others

How to Respond

Most victims of abuse respond in a rational way. They explain themselves and believe that the abuser is interested in what they have to say. This lets abusers know that they’ve won and have control over you. You must design your own strategy and not react, thereby not rewarding the abusive behavior. You can do this by not engaging or by responding in an unpredictable way, such as with humor, which throws an abuser off-guard. You can also ask for the behavior you want, set limits, and confront the abuse. Most victims do the opposite and placate and appease an abuser to deescalate tension and risk of harm. It never works. Abuse continues.

The Truth about Violence

If you’ve experienced violence – and that includes shoving, hair pulling, destroying property -  then it’s essential to get support and learn how to set limits. Abusers deny or minimize the problem – as do victims – and may claim that they can’t control themselves. This is untrue. Notice that they aren’t abusive with their boss – when there are consequences to their behavior. They also blame their actions on you, implying that you need to change. You’re never responsible for someone else’s behavior.

You may recognize the Cycle of Violence:

1. A build-up of tension
2. The attack
3. Remorse and apology
4. A honeymoon period of loving gestures

Sometimes, the threat of violence is all the abuser needs to control you, like a terrorist. The best time to abort violence is in the build-up stage. Some victims will even provoke an attack to get it over with, because their anxiety and fear is so great. After an attack, abusers say how sorry they are and promise never to repeat it, but without counseling to treat the underlying causes of the abuse repeat itself. DO NOT believe their promises.

Why Victims Stay

This is the reason why victims stay in a relationship. Statistics show that victims of violence endure up to seven attacks. The dominant reason is that they hope the abuser will change. After all, there are good times in between episodes of abuse. There are reasons why the person loves or did love the abuser, and often children are involved.

Abusers can have a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde personality. Dr. Jekyll is often charming and romantic, perhaps successful, and makes pronouncements of love. You love Dr. Jekyll and make excuses for Mr. Hyde. You don’t see that the whole person is the problem. If you’ve had a painful relationship with a parent growing up, you can confuse love and pain. Victims also stay for the following reasons:

• Financial
• Nowhere to live
• No outside emotional support
• Childcare problems
• They take the blame for the abuse
• They deny, minimize, and rationalize the abuse
• They love the abuser

If you’re a victim of abuse, you feel ashamed. You’ve been humiliated by the abuser and your self-esteem and confidence have been undermined. You hide the abuse from people close to you, often to protect the reputation of the abuser and because of your own shame. An abuser uses tactics to isolate you from friends and loved ones by criticizing them and making remarks designed to force you take sides. You’re either for them or against them. If the abuser feels slighted, then you have to take his or her side, or you’re befriending the enemy. This is designed to increase control over you and your dependence upon him or her.

Steps You Can Take

It’s essential to build outside resources and talk about what’s going on in your relationship. A professional is the best person, because you can build your self-esteem and learn how to help yourself without feeling judged or rushed into taking action. If you can’t afford private individual therapy, find a low-fee clinical in your city, learn all you can from books and online resources, join online forums, and find a support group at a local battered women’s shelter. Do this even if it means keeping a secret. You’re entitled to your privacy.

To avoid getting involved with an abuser when you’re dating, beware of someone who:

• Insists on having his or her way and won’t compromise
• Has outbursts of anger
• Is rude to others
• Criticizes you or your family
• Is jealous or possessive
• Is paranoid

Pay attention to these signs despite the fact that the person is pursuing you and expressing love and affection. An abuser won’t risk becoming abusive until he or she is confident that you won’t leave. First, he or she will try to win you over and isolate you from friends and family. Often, violence doesn’t start until after marriage or the birth of a child, when you’re less likely to leave.

If you’re threatened by abuse, call 1-800-799-SAFE. Some steps you can take to prepare for an emergency are:

• Open bank and credit cards in your own name.
• Have a safe place to go at a friend or relative.
• Have a bag packed at that place with necessary valuables and important legal papers, passport, bank information, credit cards, phone book, and money. Also pack clothes for your children and some toys.
• Alert neighbors to call the police if they hear loud suspect danger.
• Make extra car and house keys. Hide a car key outside so you can get away.

Remember, by not confronting abuse to avoid you risk losing someone’s love, you risk losing your Self.

©Darlene Lancer, MFT 2012

Researchers also found that codependent symptoms got worse if untreated, but the good news was that they were reversible. Here’s a list of symptoms. You needn’t have all of them to qualify as codependent.

*   Low self-esteem

Not feeling that you’re good enough or comparing yourself to others is a sign of low self-esteem. The tricky thing about self-esteem is that some people think highly of themselves, but it’s only a camouflage for really feeling unlovable or inadequate. Underneath, usually hidden from consciousness, are feelings of shame. Some of the things that go along with low self-esteem are guilt feelings and perfectionism. If everything is perfect, you don’t feel bad about yourself.

*   People pleasing

It’s fine to want to please someone you care about, but codependents usually don’t think they have a choice. Saying “No” causes them anxiety. Some codependents have a hard time saying “No” to anyone. They go out of their way and sacrifice their own needs to accommodate other people.

*   Poor Boundaries

Boundaries are sort of an imaginary line between you and others. It divides up what’s yours and somebody else’s, and that applies not only to your body, money, and belongings, but also to your feelings, thoughts and needs. That’s especially where codependents get into trouble. They have blurry or weak boundaries between themselves and others. They feel responsible for other people’s feelings and problems or blame their own on someone else.

Some codependents have rigid boundaries. They are closed off and withdrawn, making it hard for other people to get close to them. Sometimes, people flip back and forth between having weak boundaries and rigid ones.

*   Reactivity

A consequence of poor boundaries is that you react to everyone’s thoughts and feelings. If someone says something you disagree with, you either believe it or become defensive. You absorb their words, because there’s no boundary. With a boundary, you’d realize it was just their opinion and not a reflection of you and not feel threatened by disagreements.

*   Caretaking

Another effect of poor boundaries is that if someone else has a problem, you want to help them to the point that you give up yourself. It’s natural to feel empathy and sympathy for someone, but codependents start putting other people ahead of themselves. In fact, they need to help and might feel rejected if another person doesn’t want help. Moreover, they keep trying to help and fix the other person, even when that person clearly isn’t taking their advice.

*   Control

Control helps codependents feel safe and secure. Everyone needs some control over events in their life. You wouldn’t want to live in constant uncertainty and chaos, but for codependents, control limits their ability to take risks and share their feelings. Sometimes they have an addiction that either helps them loosen up, like alcoholism, or helps them hold their feelings down, like workaholism, so that they don’t feel out of control.

Codependents also need to control those close to them, because they need other people to behave in a certain way to feel okay. In fact, people pleasing and caretaking can be used to control and manipulate people. Alternatively, codependents are bossy and tell you what you should or shouldn’t do. This is a violation of someone else’s boundary.

*   Dysfunctional communication

Codependents have trouble when it comes to communicating their thoughts, feelings and needs. Of course, if you don’t know what you think, feel or need, this becomes a problem. Other times, you know, but you won’t own up to your truth. You’re afraid to be truthful, because you don’t want to upset someone else. Instead of saying, “I don’t like that,” you might pretend that it’s okay or tell someone what to do. Communication becomes dishonest and confusing when you try to manipulate the other person out of fear.

*   Obsessions

Codependents have a tendency to spend their time thinking about other people or relationships. This is caused by their dependency and anxieties and fears. They can also become obsessed when they think they’ve made or might make a “mistake.”

Sometimes you can lapse into fantasy about how you’d like things to be or about someone you love as a way to avoid the pain of the present. This is one way to stay in denial, discussed below, but it keeps you from living your life.

*   Dependency

Codependents need other people to like them to feel okay about themselves and they’re afraid of being rejected or abandoned – even if they can function on their own. Others need to always be in a relationship, because they feel depressed or lonely when they’re by themselves for too long. This trait makes it hard for them to end a relationship, even when the relationship is painful or abusive. They end up feeling trapped.

*   Denial

One of the problems people face in getting help for codependency is that they’re in denial about it, meaning that they don’t face their ,problem. Usually they think the problem is someone else or the situation. They either keep complaining or trying to fix the other person, or go from one relationship or job to another and never own up the fact that they have a problem.

Codependents also deny their feelings and needs. Often times, they don’t know what they’re feeling and are instead focused on what others are feeling. The same thing goes for their needs. They pay attention to other people’s needs and not their own. They might be in denial of their need for space and autonomy. Although some codependents seem needy, others act like they’re self-sufficient when it comes to needing help. They won’t reach out and have trouble receiving. They are in denial of their vulnerability and need for love and intimacy.

*   Problems with intimacy

By this I’m not referring to sex, although sexual dysfunction is often a reflection of an intimacy problem. I’m talking about being open and close with someone in an intimate relationship. Because of the shame and weak boundaries, you might fear that you’ll be judged, rejected, or left. On the other hand, you may fear smothered in a relationship and losing your autonomy. You might deny your need for closeness and feel that your partner wants too much of your time; your partner complains that you’re unavailable, but he or she is denying his or her need for separateness.

*   Painful emotions

Codependency creates stress and lead to having painful emotions. Shame and low self-esteem create anxiety and fear about:

Being judged

Being rejected or abandoned

Making mistakes

Being a failure

Being close and feeling trapped

Being alone

The other symptoms lead to feelings of anger and resentment, depression, hopelessness, and despair. When the feelings are too much, you can feel numb.

There is help for recovery and change. The first step is getting guidance and support. These symptoms are deeply ingrained habits and difficult to identify and change on your own. Join a Twelve Step program, such as Codependents Anonymous or seek counseling. Work on becoming more assertive and building your self-esteem.
©Darlene Lancer, MFT 2012

Why women sink so deep.

In general, women tend to become depressed more than men. Ten to 25 percent of women experience depression, and divorce doubles their risk. For women, it’s a huge health problem, second only to heart disease. Divorce is harder for boomer women, because they unhappier than men as they age. Women constantly compare their looks to others and media models, which undermines their confidence and self-esteem and makes them anxious about aging and being desirable.

Women take divorce harder.

Chemistry: Our brains produce less serotonin and more cortisol than men, which contributes to depression. Mood swings in menopause also heighten the risk for depression for boomer women.

Coping style: Studies show that assertiveness, self-efficacy, and autonomy lead to greater self-esteem. If instead of being assertive, you suppress your anger, you’re more subject to depression.

Men are generally more autonomous than women, more career focused, and easily concentrate on accomplishing goals. They have better coping skills and can distract themselves from pain. After divorce, men tend to throw themselves into work, whereas women find it difficult to take action and do more grieving. The more independent and assertive you are, the less depressed you’ll be.

Plus, women ruminate more than men and go over problems. They ask why and want to understand things, whereas men are solution-oriented. I had a client who had a hard time focusing on how she could change her situation. She kept asking why her husband was abusing her. A man wouldn’t ask that, but rather ask, “How can I stop her?”

Priorities: The main reason most women take divorce harder is because we’re wired for connection. Relationships are the priority, and attachment loss preoccupies us more than anything else. Even a breakup with someone after six months of dating can be devastating.

If being a homemaker was your priority, you lose not only your husband, but also your identity as a wife and homemaker. It’s daunting to enter or re-enter the workplace, especially after 50, when you’re competing with energetic college grads. Divorce is especially hard for single mothers and those struggling financially.

How long is it okay to cry?

Daily mood swings are common. Crying is not only okay, but necessary. Tears spill when the heart is too full. It’s perfectly normal to feel anxious, angry, depressed, rejected, helpless, and incompetent, and the older you are and the longer the marriage, the more these feelings intensify. Sometimes, there’s more anger than grief. Anger helps couples separate.

Just beware of signs of depression, which include: feeling sad, tired, worthless, guilty, disinterested in your usual activities, and crying, difficulty concentrating, irritability, social withdrawal, and changes in sleep, weight, or appetite. Seek professional help if you’ve had these symptoms more than a month.

Studies have shown that the second year can feel worse than the first. Sometimes there’s an initial feeling of relief or freedom, and reality and loneliness don’t set in until year two. In most cases, by 18 months, negative feelings peak, and people start to adjust to their new lives.

What is the most common mistake women make?

The biggest problem for women is negative self-talk. It can bury you and turn sadness into hopelessness. Women are highly self-critical. It starts in childhood and leads to low self-esteem, guilt, and shame. Self-criticism and the “shoulds” totally undermine self-esteem and happiness, and can immobilize you with doubt, fear, and guilt. Without realizing it, they can make you feel in the dumps. Pay attention to your words and notice how what you say to yourself.

How long does it take to recover?

Generally, by three years both men and women enter into new relationships. Yet, sometimes there’s unresolved guilt, resentment, or sadness toward a spouse that get buried and can linger for years if not worked through.

Why do some women recover and others don’t?

Again, having a career or goals helps. If the marriage ended because of your husband’s infidelity, it recovery is more complicated, because you’re not only grieving the end of the marriage, but dealing with feelings of betrayal. If the divorce wasn’t your choice, it also takes longer. Holding on often occurs because there’re unresolved abandonment issues from childhood that haven’t been dealt with. I’m referring not only to physical abandonment, but to emotional abandonment, which most people don’t think about. If you had a depressed, addicted, or narcissistic parent, you’ve been emotionally abandoned. Recovery will also stall if the unbonding process isn’t completed, because the emotional marriage continues. As discussed more extensively in my article, Growing Through Divorce, to unhook, it’s important to really look at your patterns, and change them.

An example is a woman who had played a very maternal role with her husband continued to be his confident after they split. She still loved him and felt loved in return because he said she was his “best friend,” even though he was involved with and loved someone new – someone who wasn’t mothering him. His ex-wife hadn’t unbounded or worked through her negative pattern that actually had led to their divorce.

What kind of support is advisable? 

Support is essential in moving on. Friends are an enormous resource. Ask them to sign up for a class with you or to regularly schedule walks or meet-ups. Just beware of anyone who gives you a lot of unwanted advice or judgment or pressures you to “let go,” without actually being supportive and encouraging.

This is an ongoing part of creating a single life that includes activities, not just talking on the phone. You don’t have to do everything alone. Ask friends to accompany you to doctor and lawyer appointments, and help you pick out furnishings, pack and unpack, and find an apartment.

What’s the best way to manage feelings?

Managing feelings is a combination of allowing them, but not dwelling on them. Acknowledge your feelings by saying “I’m sad, or angry, lonely, or jealous,” and let yourself feel the emotion completely. Feel, but don’t obsess and get into the story in your head. That’s the best way to release.

When you’re feeling blue, nurture yourself with things and activities that feel pleasurable. Take action. Change the scene, take a walk, reach out to friends, cook a meal, do something creative, meditate, journal, exercise to boost your serotonin, socialize, and show up for a class – even if you don‘t feel like it. A positive example of taking action is a woman who poured her emotions into her art and became a successful artist. One thing that helps (really) is to write yourself a love letter.

Get your life back.

The following are important steps that will help you let go and move on. They’re not always easy to follow, but if you make an effort to do so, you will see results. If you have trouble with any of these steps, it’s a good idea to get professional help. Psychotherapy can be an enormous support in moving on and changing your patterns.

1. Create a support network. Avoid isolating. (See above discussion.)
2. Find your passion and learn something new about it. Take action!
3. Establish new, clear boundaries with your ex. If you’re tempted to call, don’t. Call a friend instead.
4. Accept reality. Now that you’re divorced, you alone are responsible to create your own happiness. You may not like it, but acceptance is key to moving on.
5. Don’t judge yourself, but be kind to yourself, and plan activities that you enjoy.

© Darlene Lancer, JD, MFT 2011

For a FREE copy of Growing Through Divorce or a FREE Special Report 10 Steps to Disarm the Critic: From Self-Criticism to Self-Esteem, email me at info@darlenelancer.com  or visit www.darlenelancer.com.

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Necessary Prerequisites

Intimacy requires trust and safety to feel free enough to let go and be yourself. You need to be aware of your inner experience in the moment and have the courage and openness to share what you’re feeling with someone who also shares intimate feelings with you. Here are the necessary ingredients:

1. Safety
2. Trust
3. Self-awareness
4. Presence
5. Openness
6. Courage
7. Self-esteem
8. Autonomy
9. Mutuality

Self-esteem allows you to be open and direct. The greater is your self-esteem and, paradoxically, the more you can be separate and autonomous, the greater is your capacity for closeness and intimacy. In fact, there’re levels of intimacy.

At the first level, you share information about yourself. It may be facts that you consider private or things only your family knows. Many people attach to strangers quickly. They yearn to merge in order to feel whole, in the hopes that a relationship will boost their self-esteem and bring them happiness. Research has shown that even strangers sharing private information with each other for a half an hour can fall in love if they stare into each other’s eyes for four minutes. (See http://www.youramazingbrain.org/lovesex/sciencelove.htm) However, intimacy isn’t merging, it’s being close.Codependents (a majority in America) confuse sharing and becoming attached with love and real intimacy.

At the second level, which is the common in close relationships, you share feelings – feelings about anything and everyone, except yourself or each other or what’s happening in real time. Most people consider this very intimate, and at this level of intimacy – or sooner – couples often start having sex.

You might share your feelings about your work, family, or an ex, for example, but this is not the same as divulging feelings about yourself, so there isn’t too much risk involved. Sex at this level may not make you feel closer and can be used to avoid intimacy. Instead of feeling safe and close afterwards, you can feel emptier than before. True intimacy requires trust that comes with knowing the other person. It’s not often that you can do this with someone you’ve known for a short time. You might tell a stranger on a plane all about yourself, but not reveal what you think about them or yourself, which is a higher level of intimacy.

At the third level, you’re being more open and sharing feelings about yourself. This is very intimate for most people, but lacks some elements of real intimacy. You may not be exposing deeper feelings, they may not be contemporaneous with what’s happening, or there may be a lack of mutuality. For instance, you could say that you feel proud, guilty, or embarrassed about something. When the feelings are negative, there’s greater fear of being rejected, so more safety is required. Sometimes, people share negative facts and feelings about themselves when first meeting or dating someone. It’s usually not in an intimate context and is designed to push you away or test if you still want to date them. Another instance would be sharing feelings with a stranger you won’t see again at a workshop or on a plane. There’s little risk, because you have no investment in the relationship.

With some codependents, one person is the listener and the other shares feelings about a problem. Listening to each others’ pain and problems might feel intimate, but caretaking or controlling ignores the other person’s separateness and autonomy. It lacks mutuality and has been called pseudo-intimacy.

The Recipe for Real Intimacy

True intimacy requires authenticity that involves being honest in the moment. It’s not about sharing you past or problems, but feelings about yourself, about what’s happening right now, or towards the person you’re with. There’s a potent immediacy to it. Your thoughts and judgments aren’t feelings. Connecting with raw and honest feelings in the moment requires presence and awareness. You need self-esteem to feel secure about yourself, which allows you to be genuine without fear of being judged or rejected. Saying, “I love you,” if not sincere, can be less intimate than saying, “I don’t love you.” When you sugar-coat the truth, you miss out on the beautiful experience of real intimacy. It requires courage, especially when you reveal something that might alienate the other person. It has the opposite effect, unless you want to end the relationship, People know that they can trust your honesty and your relationships deepen.

Rather than merging or pretending that differences don’t exist in order to feel accepted, you’re acknowledging that you’re two, separate adults relating your internal experiences and honoring those differences. That’s where autonomy comes in. You have to know you can survive on your own. If you’re too afraid of losing the relationship or losing yourself should in it, you guard how much you reveal.

In summary, intimate conversations vary in their level of intimacy, but the deepest ones require:

1. An authentic expression of deep feelings, not facts.
2. Feelings that are in the present.
3. That you honor each others’ separateness.
4. That the feelings be about yourself or the person you’re with.

If you’d like to try this and don’t know how, you can start by telling the person you’re with that you want to feel closer, but that you’re not sure how or what to say. If you admit this when you feel it, it’s an authentic admission and a beginning of intimacy.

©Darlene Lancer, 2011

Click the orange chicklet, if you’d like to be notified when articles are posted. For a free PDF on turning self-criticism into self-esteem, see www.darlenelancer.com.

Unlike girls, in adolescence boys are naturally competitive and aggressive, encouraging their autonomy and sense of agency. Girls’ self-esteem begins to suffer from the age of nine, and by adolescence, they fall behind. Feelings of powerlessness and the need for external validation, especially regarding appearance, increase, while self-esteem declines. Whereas, boys generally tend to challenge authority more than girls, if girls are discouraged from taking risks or pursuing goals, they may develop an attitude of “I can’t,” instead of “I can.” Overtime, such young women may develop a passive attitude toward life. This lack of agency and self-esteem can eventually lead to depression.

The cornerstone of building self-confidence requires accepting responsibility for ones unhappiness and problems. Only then, can they be changed. A survey showed that lottery winners eventually returned to their original state of well-being. Winning the lottery or finding Mr. Right provides only temporary euphoria. Ultimately, it’s self-esteem and our thoughts and actions that determine our sense of well-being.

The rub is that when self-esteem is low, it’s painful to take responsibility. People rather make excuses and blame others, since they already feel so bad. This is really annoying to those around them and creates problems in relationships.

Sandy* always procrastinated and turned in her work late with a myriad of excuses, annoying her boss. When she was reprimanded, she resented her boss, blaming him, while her self-loathing grew. By encouraging her to take responsibility for her behavior and exploring her fears and self-criticism that fed her procrastination, she was able to change her habits. She discovered self-empowerment and began to feel good about herself, and she won her boss’s appreciation, as well.

Self-responsibility neither implies moral blame nor guilt, but should foster a curious inquiry into how and why your life is the way it is. Look for solutions. Ask what assumptions, beliefs, or attitudes motivated your choices and behavior, and what actions can be taken in the future.

Avoiding self-responsibility puts you in the role of a helpless victim, waiting for others to change, so that you’ll feel better. That never works in the long run, because we can’t change others, and even their accommodation to our needs only provides a temporary lift. The other extreme – feeling you’re responsible for everything that befalls you can also injure your self-esteem. Blaming yourself for every accident, illness, and mishap presumes an unrealistic level of control. Nor are you responsible for someone else’s abusive behavior, but you are responsible for your response to it. Instead of asking why did he or she did that, ask “What beliefs do I have that allow me to permit it?” “What boundaries do I set?” “How can I better protect myself?” “What may happen if I don’t change my response?”

Ask yourself what would be different if you took responsibility for your happiness, your financial security, for your safety, and your physical health? What are the benefits of not taking responsibility for your health, finances, goals, emotions, and relationships? Probably you feel better about yourself in areas where you are more self-responsible. You feel effective, raising your self-esteem. It will be lower in the areas where you are less self-responsible.

Mary* complained about the string of men in her life who took advantage of her sexually and financially. Rather than change her behavior and choices, she turned to family and friends who were equally selfish, perpetuating the pattern. When she finally realized that no one was going to rescue her, she began to change for the better. She took responsibility for herself, and found her strength. Having been severely abused as a child, she had been convinced that no one could love her. Grieving her past and experiencing her anger at her perpetrators helped her to leave the stop re-creating her family dynamics.

People feel more effective when they take action, and action-oriented people tend to have higher self-esteem. They take action despite how they feel. They don’t wait passively for things to change or expect others to change their lives. Although self-awareness of thoughts and feelings is important, if it preempts action, it can undermine self-efficacy, and ultimately self-esteem. Keep in mind that action requires attention directed toward solving a problem, and includes journaling, expressing feelings, making a list, obtaining information, writing a letter, thinking through a problem, making a statement or decision, or even changing your attitude.

Think about an area in your life where your self-esteem is low. How could you take more self-responsibility? What specific, small step would generate a greater sense of self-efficacy and make you feel better about yourself?

*Names are fictitious, composite personalities

Copyright, Darlene Lancer, MFT 2010

Get a FREE REPORT: 10 Steps to Disarm the Critic – From Self-Criticism to Self-Esteem at www.darlenelancer.com

The less room there is to navigate this distance, more difficult the relationship. There is less anxiety, and hence less demand on the relationship to accommodate a narrow comfort zone.

ORIGINS: Research suggests that intimacy problems originate in the relationship between the mother and infant. Babies and toddlers are dependent on the mothers’ empathy and regard for their needs and emotions in order to sense their “selves,” to feel whole. To an infant or toddler, emotional or physical abandonment, whether through neglect, illness, divorce or death, threatens its existence, because of its dependency on the mother for validation and development of wholeness. Later, as an adult, being separations in intimate relationships are experienced as painful reminders of the earlier loss.

If the mother is ill, depressed, or lacks wholeness and self-esteem herself, there are no boundaries between her and her child. Rather than responding to her child, she projects, and sees her child only as an extension of herself, as an object to meet her own needs and feelings. She can’t value her child as a separate “self.” The child’s boundaries are violated, and its autonomy, feelings, thoughts, and/or body, are disrespected. Consequently, the child does not develop a healthy sense of self. Instead, the child discovers that love and approval comes with meeting the mother’s needs, and tunes into the mother’s responses and expectations. The child learns to please, perform and/or rebel, but in either case gradually tunes out its own thoughts, needs and/or feelings. Later, intimacy may threaten the adult’s sense of autonomy or identity, or he or she may feel invaded, engulfed, controlled, shamed and/or rejected. A person may feel both abandoned if his or her feelings and needs are not responded to, and at the same time, engulfed by the needs of his or her partner. In co-dependent relationships where there aren’t two separate, whole people coming together, true intimacy isn’t possible, because the fears of nonexistence and dissolution are strong.

COPING STRATEGIES: We learned defenses as children in order to feel safe. As adults these behaviors create problems and result in miscommunication. For instance, if you repress your anger to ensure closeness, you stand a good chance of alienating your partner, unaware that you may be expressing your anger indirectly. If you ignore your partner in order to create distance, you inadvertently devalue him or her, creating another problem.

Change and growth come in discovering your coping strategies, and learning new responses and behaviors. Ask yourself: How do I create space in my relationships? How do I protect my autonomy? Do you criticize, blame, emotionally withdraw or use substances (e.g., food, drugs, alcohol) to create space, be left alone, or lessen intense feelings. Or do you avoid closeness or openness by joking around, showing off, giving advice or by talking about others or impersonal subjects? Do you get overly involved with people outside your partnership (e.g., children, friends, affairs), or activities (e.g., work, sports, gambling, shopping)? These activities dilute the intimacy in the relationship.

On the other hand, ask: How do I create closeness? How do I ensure that I will be loved and not abandoned? Do you try to create closeness by giving up your autonomy, hobbies, friends or interests, by never disagreeing, by being seductive, or by care-taking and pleasing others?

When these behaviors are operating without awareness, you are not coming from a place of choice. When this happens you cannot communicate effectively, nor take into consideration your needs and the needs of your partner. Instead, the relationship is based on unconscious manipulation of one another, and can trigger your partner’s defensive reactions.

DISOWNED SELVES: Relationships can serve as mirrors for unacknowledged or “disowned” parts of ourselves. Often people attract their opposite into their lives to make them whole. The Pursuer is unconscious that s/he is also afraid of closeness, but relies on the Distancer to achieve enough space for the Pursuer’s needs for autonomy and independence. Similarly, the Distancer is afraid of abandonment, but cannot experience the wish for emotional closeness as his or her own. S/he would feel too vulnerable, so s/he needs a Pursuer to satisfy her or his intimacy needs.
The Distancer says of the Pursuer: “She (or He) is too demanding, too dependent, too emotional, or too needy.” And wonders “Can I love? Am I selfish? What I give seems never enough.”

The Pursuer says about the Distancer: “He (or She) is selfish, inconsiderate, inflexible, emotionally withdrawn, has to have things his way.” And wonders “Is there something wrong with me? Aren’t I lovable (pretty, thin, successful, smart) enough?”

They each blame one another and themselves. The Distancer feels guilty for not meeting the other’s needs, and the Pursuer feels angry for not getting his or her own needs met. In reality, the Distancer judges the part of him or herself that is needy, dependent and vulnerable, and the Pursuer judges the part of him or herself that is selfish and independent, but each sees the part they don’t accept in themselves projected onto the other. Both need to embrace the dependent and independent, feminine and masculine, parts of themselves.

CHANGE: The key to breaking this polarization is by becoming conscious of our needs and feelings, and risking what we fear most. It requires awareness of our coping behaviors and resisting the impulse to withdraw or pursue. It takes tremendous courage not to run when we feel too close, and not to pursue when we feel abandoned, but instead, learn to acknowledge and tolerate the emotions that arise. This may trigger very young feelings of shame, terror, grief, emptiness, despair, and rage. With the help of a therapist, these feelings can be separated from the present circumstance, in which as adults our survival is no long at stake. As the feelings are worked through, a less reactive, stronger sense of self develops, one that is not easily threatened or overwhelmed.
Partners can learn from each other and embrace their disowned needs. The Pursuer can emulate the Distancer’s ability to set limits, to take care of his/her own needs, to prioritize, to be less personally involved. The Distancer can learn from the Pursuer’s flexibility, ability to reach out and ask, to feel others and to blend boundaries. Each person must take responsibility for him or herself, rather than relying on their partner to take care of his or her needs for closeness or distance. The Pursuer must risk saying “No,” and tolerate the anxiety of separation, saying, “I can’t help you – I need to be alone.” The Distancer must risk saying, “I miss you, I need you.” In the movie, “The Doctor,” William Hurt plays a busy, successful doctor, whose wife feels neglected and abandoned. It’s only when Hurt gets brain cancer that he telling his wife that he needs her.

Each must learn to ask for togetherness and space directly, without feeling guilty, or controlling or blaming each other. When each is able to say, “Yes” and say “No,” without the fear of being overwhelmed by intimacy or abandoned by separation, they won’t trigger each other’s defensive reaction. When they are conscious of their individual needs, they can acknowledge their partner’s needs with respect. They can empathetically hear each other, and wait to have their need satisfied: “I understand and hear your need and its importance to you, but this is also important to me — can we find a way to compromise?” As couples do this, they will have more authentic intimacy, instead of being locked into an unconscious duet of approach-avoidance.

Relationship can be an exciting path to the unknown. But it requires courage – courage to open yourself up and to experience pain. The rewards are worth it, because it is a path of self-discovery and ultimately the divine as we open ourselves to one another. Just as the transition from dependence to independence can be frightening, so is the transition from independence to interdependence. Yet, it is an essential process in order to heal our wounds, become free of our past conditioning, and to allow us to truly live in the present.

Copyright, Darlene Lancer, MFT, JD 1992

What it’s Like. In the beginning, you were delighted to be in the narcissist’s aura. Now you’re tense and drained from unpredictable tantrums, attacks, and unjustified indignation at imaginary slights. You begin to doubt yourself, worry what he or she will think, and become as pre-occupied with the narcissist, as he or she is with him or herself.

After a while, you start to lose self-confidence. Your self-esteem may have been intact when you met, but your partner finds you coming up short, and doesn’t fail to point it out. Most narcissists are perfectionists, and nothing you or others do is right or appreciated. Talking about your disappointment or hurt gets turned into your fault or another opportunity to put you down. They can dish it, but not take it, being highly sensitive to any perceived judgment.

Narcissists have no boundaries and see you as an extension of themselves, requiring that you’re on call to meet their needs – regardless of whether you’re ill or in pain. You might get caught-up in trying to please them. This is like trying to fill a bottomless pit. Their needs, whether for admiration, service, love, or purchases, are endless. You might go out of your way to fill their request only to have your efforts devalued because you didn’t read their mind. They expect you to know without having to ask. You end up in a double-blind – damned if you displease them and damned when you do. Narcissists don’t like to hear “No.” Setting boundaries threatens them. They’ll manipulate to get their way make sure you feel guilty if you’re bold enough to risk turning them down. You become afraid that if you don’t please them, you risk an onslaught of blame and punishment, love being withheld, and a rupture in the relationship. All too possible, because the narcissist’s relationship is with him or herself. You just have to fit in. Nevertheless, you stay in the relationship, because periodically the charm, excitement, and loving gestures that first enchanted you return.

Do Narcissists love? In public, narcissists switch on the charm that first drew you in. People gravitate towards them and are enlivened by their energy. You’re proud to bask in their glow, but at home, they’re totally different. They may privately denigrate the person they were just entertaining. You begin to wonder if they have an outward “as if” personality. Maybe you’re reassured of their love when they bestow complimentary and caring words and gestures, are madly possessive, or buy you expensive gifts, then doubt their sincerity and question whether they’re being manipulative or saying what’s appropriate.

Sometimes, you might think they love only themselves. That’s a common misconception. Actually, they dislike themselves immensely. Their inflated self-flattery, perfectionism, and arrogance are merely covers for the self-loathing they don’t admit – usually even to themselves. Instead, it’s projected outwards in their disdain for and criticism of others. This is why they don’t want to look at themselves. They’re too afraid, because they believe that the truth would be devastating. Actually, they don’t have much of a Self at all. Emotionally, they’re dead inside. (See Self-Love.)

Early Beginnings. It’s hard to be empathic with narcissists, but they didn’t choose to be that way. Their natural development was arrested as a toddler due to faulty, early parenting, usually by the mother who didn’t provide sufficient nurturing and opportunity for idealization. They’re left with an unrealistic view of themselves, and at time make you experience what it was like having had to feed the needs of a cold, invasive, or unavailable narcissistic parent. Anne Rice’s vampire Lestat had such an emotionally empty mother, who devotedly bonded with him to survive. The deprivation of real nurturing and lack of boundaries make narcissists dependent on others to feed their insatiable need for validation. Like the mythological Narcissus, they don’t know themselves, but only can love themselves as a reflection in the eyes of others. Poor Narcissus. The gods sentenced him to a life without human love. He fell in love with his reflection by a pool, and died by the water, hungering for a response from his reflection.

Diagnosis. All personality traits, including narcissism, exist on a continuum from mild to severe. Narcissism ranges from self-centeredness and some narcissistic traits to Narcissistic Personality Disorder (“NPD”). NPD wasn’t categorized as a disorder by the American Psychiatric Association until 1987, because it was felt that too many people shared some of the traits and it was difficult to diagnose. The summarized diagnosis is controversial and undergoing further change:
Someone with NPD is grandiose (sometimes only in fantasy), lacks empathy, and needs admiration from others, as indicated by five of these characteristics:

1. A grandiose sense of self-importance and exaggerates achievements and talents
2. Dreams of unlimited power, success, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
3. Lacks empathy for the feelings and needs of others
4. Requires excessive admiration
5. Believes he or she is special and unique, and can only be understood by, or should associate with other special or of high-status people (or institutions)
6. Unreasonably expects special, favorable treatment or compliance with his or her wishes
7. Exploits and takes advantage of others to achieve personal ends
8. Envies others or believes they’re envious of him or her
9. Has “an attitude” of arrogance or acts that way

Of all the narcissists, beware of malignant narcissists, who are the most pernicious, hostile, and destructive. They take traits 6 & 7 to an extreme, and are vindictive and malicious. Avoid them before they destroy you.

Codependency. People with codependency lack a core Self, and define themselves based on others. This is true for all narcissists, whose Self is so weak and insecure, they need constant validation. Stereotypically, they’re not interested in taking care of others – but some narcissists are caretakers. Many narcissistic men do this with money, because it boosts their self-esteem.

When two narcissists get together, they’re miserable needing each other, yet fighting over whose needs come first and pushing away. On the other hand, it can be a perfect fit, albeit painful, for ordinary codependents, because their low self-esteem, is boosted by the narcissist’s attributes and aura of success. It also allows them to tolerate the narcissist’s emotional abuse. They feel needless and guilty asserting their needs and caring for a narcissist makes them feel valued. Because they feel undeserving of receiving love, they don’t expect to be loved for who they are – only for what they give or do.

Treatment. Narcissists don’t usually seek help unless a major loss shatters their illusions. But both narcissism and codependency can be healed with courage, time, and a commitment to yourself. Recovery entails improving boundaries and self-acceptance based upon real self-knowledge. Psychotherapy and joining a 12-Step program are beneficial ways to start.
© Darlene Lancer, 2011
For a free PDF on “How to Be Assertive,” see www.darlenelancer.com.

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