There are three million cases of domestic violence reported each year. Many more go unreported. Emotional abuse precedes violence, but is rarely discussed. Although both men and women may abuse others, an enormous number of women are subjected to emotional abuse. Unfortunately, many don’t even know it.
Why is Emotional Abuse Hard to Recognize?
Emotional abuse may be hard to recognize, because it can be subtle, and abusers will often blame you for their behavior or act like they have no idea why you are upset. Additionally, you may have been treated this way in past relationships, so that it’s familiar and harder to recognize. Over time, the abuser will chip away at your self-esteem, causing you to feel guilty, doubt yourself, and distrust your perceptions.
Other aspects of the relationship may work well. The abuser may be loving between abusive episodes, so that you deny or forget them. You may not have had a healthy relationship for comparison, and when the abuse takes place in private, there are no witnesses to validate your experience.
Personality of an Abuser
Abusers typically want to control and dominate. They use verbal abuse to accomplish this. They are self-centered, impatient, unreasonable, insensitive, unforgiving, lack empathy, and are often jealous, suspicious, and withholding. In order to maintain control, some abusers take hostages, meaning that they may try to isolate you from your friends and family. Their moods can shift from fun-loving and romantic to sullen and angry. Some punish with anger, others with silence – or both. It’s usually “their way or the highway.”
Are You Being Abused?
Emotional abuse may start out innocuously, but grows as the abuser becomes more assured that you won’t leave the relationship. It may not begin until after an engagement, marriage, or pregnancy. If you look back, you may recall tell-tale signs of control or jealousy. Eventually, you and the entire family “walk on eggshells” and adapt so as not to upset the abuser. Being subjected to emotional abuse over time can lead to anxiety, post-traumatic stress disorder, depression, inhibited sexual desire, chronic pain, or other physical symptoms.
People who respect and honor themselves won’t allow someone to abuse them. Many people allow abuse to continue because they fear confrontations. Usually, they are martyrs, caretakers, or pleasers. They feel guilty and blame themselves. Some aren’t able to access their anger and power in order to stand up for themselves, while others ineffectively argue, blame, and are abusive themselves, but they still don’t know how to set appropriate boundaries.
If you’ve allowed abuse to continue, there’s a good chance that you were abused by someone in your past, although you may not recognize it as such. It could have been a strict or alcoholic dad, an invasive mom, or a teasing sibling. Healing involves understanding how you’ve been abused, forgiving yourself, and rebuilding your self-esteem and confidence.
What is Emotional Abuse?
If you’re wondering if your relationship is abusive, it probably is. Emotional abuse, distinct from physical violence (including shoving, cornering, breaking, and throwing things), is speech and/or behavior that’s derogating, controlling, punishing, or manipulative. Withholding love, communication, support, or money are indirect methods of control and maintaining power. Behavior that controls where you go, to whom you talk, or what you think is abusive. It’s one thing to say, “If you buy the dining room set, we cannot afford a vacation,” verses cutting up your credit cards. Spying, stalking, invading your person, space, or belongings is also abusive, because it disregards personal boundaries.
Verbal abuse is the most common forms of emotional abuse, but it’s often unrecognized, because it may be subtle and insidious. It may be said in a loving, quiet voice, or may be indirect – even concealed as a joke. Whether disguised as play or jokes, sarcasm or teasing that is hurtful is abusive. Obvious and direct verbal abuse, such as threats, judging, criticizing, lying, blaming, name-calling, ordering, and raging, are easy to recognize. Below are some more subtle types of verbal abuse that are just as damaging as overt forms, particularly because they are harder to detect. When experienced over time, they have an insidious, deleterious effect, because you begin to doubt and distrust yourself.
Opposing: The abuser will argue against anything you say, challenging your perceptions, opinions, and thoughts. The abuser doesn’t listen or volunteer thoughts or feelings, but treats you as an adversary, in effect saying “No” to everything, so a constructive conversation is impossible.
Blocking: This is another tactic used to abort conversation. The abuser may switch topics, accuse you, or use words that in effect say, “Shut Up.”
Discounting & Belittling: This is verbal abuse that minimizes or trivializes your feelings, thoughts, or experiences. It’s a way of saying that your feelings don’t matter or are wrong.
Undermining & Interrupting: These words are meant to undermine your self-esteem and confidence, such as, “You don’t know what you’re talking about,” finishing your sentences, or speaking on your behalf without your permission.
Denying: An abuser may deny that agreements or promises were made or that a conversation or events or took place, including prior abuse. The abuser instead may express affection or make declarations of love and caring. This is crazy-making and manipulative behavior, which leads you to gradually doubt your own memory, perceptions, and experience. In the extreme, a persistent pattern is called gas-lighting, named after the classic Ingrid Bergman movie, Gaslight. In it, her husband used denial in a plot to make her believe she was losing her grip on reality.
Confronting Abuse
In order to confront the abuse, it’s important to understand that the intent of the abuser is to control you and avoid meaningful conversation. Abuse is a used as a tactic to manipulate and have power over you. If you focus on the content, you’ll fall into the trap of trying to respond rationally, denying accusations and explaining yourself, and lose your power. The abuser has won at that point and deflected responsibility for the verbal abuse. The verbal abuse must be addressed first and directly, with forceful statements, such as, “Stop, it,” “Don’t talk to me that way,” “That’s demeaning,” “Don’t call me names,” “Don’t raise your voice at me,” “Don’t use that tone with me,” “I don’t respond to orders,” etc. In this way, you set a boundary of how you want to be treated and take back your power. The abuser may respond with, “Or what?”, and you can say, “I will not continue this conversation.” Typically, a verbal abuser may become more abusive, in which case, you continue to address the abuse in the same manner. You might say, “If you continue, I’ll leave the room,” and do so if the abuse continues. If you keep setting boundaries, the abuser will get the message that manipulation and abuse won’t be effective. The relationship may or may not change for the better, or deeper issues may surface. Either way, you’re rebuilding your self-confidence and self-esteem, and are learning important skills about setting boundaries.
It usually takes the support and validation of a group, therapist, or counselor to be able to consistently stand-up to abuse. Without it, you may doubt your reality, feel guilty, and fear loss of the relationship or reprisal. Once you take back your power and regain your self-esteem, you won’t allow someone to abuse you. If the abuse stops, the relationship will improve, but for positive change, both of you must be willing to risk change.
Copyright Darlene Lancer, MFT 2010
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I don’t want to know how to handle an abusive husband anymore. I want out, and I need to get out now! Please, I am an expat in the U.K., and I need to help my daughter from further abuse (she’s in the U.S.). This is making her and me quite ill physically and emotionally. My husband has total access to all the money. I have no savings. I need to leave this relationship now! Please advise me on what to do. Thank you.
Comment by Kathy — March 16, 2013 @ 11:53 am
Kathy, you don’t say where you are, but call the state and national hotline (800-799-SAFE) and check your phone book for a free shelter near you. They often provide legal counseling). Instead of leaving, get a “kick-out” restraining order to remove your husband. Some courts have counselors to help you do this yourself, in “pro-per.” You can also report your husband for any physical or sexual child abuse, if she’s a minor. See my blog on The Truth about Domestic Violence and Abusive Relationships for more information. This will take courage and determination, but it sounds like you’ve had enough and are ready.
Comment by admin — March 16, 2013 @ 2:52 pm
Verbal abuse is a CRIME to a woman’s soul; and, something totally misunderstood by the general public. Even family has no clue as to the dynamics. I am a survivor; and, it IS SURVIVAL, of verbal abuse. It takes tremendous concentrated effort and the strength of hercules to even attempt to leave. People had asked me; after, i finally did divorce him, that if he was so horrible and truly abusive, why did i remain for so many yrs. It was assumed bcz of my children. ABSOLUTELY NOT!! Without actually using the words, my X made me feel fat, stupid, ugly and totally worthless; so, i was so very lucky that he wanted to be with me; bcz, no one else in the world would ever want me. The physical abuse began when i started divorce proceedings as he threw me down the stairs and began slapping me around. Of course, none of my 3 children ever saw this; nor, did he do anything that would leave marks that would show.
Comment by marny kayne — March 19, 2013 @ 7:43 am
During the many yrs i was married to a verbally abusive man, i never said a word to anyone; and, most people in the community where i lived in israel thought that i had a wonderful relationship; as, i was always seen with a smile on my face. Inside, i was slowly being destroyed; and, cried myself to sleep every single nite. I could do absolutely nothing right in his eyes; as, he criticized me even with the way i combed my hair. There were constant “comments”, innocuous, it seemed; but, slowly slowly, it began to chip away at my self esteem. I walked on egg shells; never, knowing what he would say; or, which one of my friends he would criticize or complain about. U see, one of the first things a verbal abuser does to his partner is isolate her from others. In this way, his control becomes all encompassing. I was a happy go lucky and very pretty girl when we met; but, by the time i left him, i realized that i could have been raquel welch with a Ph.D; and, it wouldn’t have satisfied him.
Comment by marny kayne — March 19, 2013 @ 7:57 am
The most difficult aspect was the fact that NO ONE BELIEVED ME. My X was a high ranking; and, one of the most powerful attnys where we lived; and, i couldn’t even hire an atty to represent me; as, all of them needed “favors” from him in his position. He came across as a quiet, kindly professional; whereas, i was the laughing, lover of life athlete – what did i know?!
Comment by marny kayne — March 19, 2013 @ 8:05 am
Before i got married to my husband he was very loving, however there were tell-tale signs of control and domineering. After we married, he bacame very abusive in all circles, mentally, emotionally, physically, verbally,. He used to kick my stomach when i was carrying my first baby. He got incarcerated for drug dealing, he has been gone fir two years now and has a reduction to be out in the next couple of years. I have been taking our kids to visit him all this time. Am feeling pressure now because he talks si nice like he has changed. Even when i told him i was seeing someone, i was hoping to push him away but he said it doesnt matter no more as long as am still by his side… Please help, how can i tell him am not in love with him anymore without him taking it too hard… My kids love the man am seeing and he takes good care of them..
Comment by Karrina — March 20, 2013 @ 3:56 pm
It’s tragic that there’s little awareness or help for the damage that verbal abuse can do. Often the abuser acts nice and is manipulative. A good book about that is “A Wolf in Sheep’s Clothing.” True, the first thing major abusers do is isolate you from others – talks down your friends and family, cross-examines you, threatens you, makes you feel guilty (manipulation), questions your loyalty, and belittles you to undermine your self-esteem. They’re scared and coming from shame and fear. Learning to value yourself and be assertive is essential in standing up to them. When they realize they can’t control you, they fall apart. Those that are physically abusive are likely to abuse again, despite their honest, best intentions. They need a lot of therapy and to confront the abuse they received as a child. Don’t let your pity for them be reason to abandon yourself. Even after leaving, your self-esteem needs to be resurrected. Most likely there were gaps in it before marriage, too. Pay attention to the way you talk to yourself – the abuser within. My books address this, which is why I wrote “10 Steps to Self-Esteem,” and “How to Speak Your Mind – Become Assertive and Set Limits.” Please see my site, http://www.whatiscodependency.com, where there’s more information. Healing your part – codependency – takes years of work to reclaim yourself. The alternative is continued pain and confusion. Best wishes on your journey.
Darlene
Comment by admin — March 20, 2013 @ 4:17 pm
Karrina, It’s so common for a battered wife to be more concerned with her husband’s feelings than for herself. You don’t have to tell him you don’t love him, only that you have and are making a life for you and your children where you can feel safe and loved. This is the consequence of his behavior. Don’t let him turn it around and blame you. I doubt that his controlling behavior has changed for good. Good luck in your new life.
Comment by admin — March 24, 2013 @ 6:29 am
I’m tired and I’m sad. It seems there isn’t a second I don’t feel grief over my failed marriage. I’m still in it and it’s set up in a way that I can’t get out. My husband’s abuse of me is subtle. He kind of just keeps himself away from me emotionally, psychologically, sexually and physically, like he may be in the same room, but he might as well be half way across the world. I have so much anger inside, and I don’t know how to get out out in a healthy way. I feel like I have raised the kids, taken care of the house and done every other thing in our marriage by myself. Occasionally, if I call him on it in a traumatic-for-me way, he will step up to the plate for a few days, then it’s back to his old ways. I am not a girl who wanted to marry a project or who wants to fix people all the time. I just wanted a friend and a buddy and someone to have fun with and work together at life with. He pretended he was that when we met and when we were first married. Of course, I was blind to all the bright red glaring flags and now, I’ve spent the last 19 years paying for it. I’m terrified for my kids to start getting married in a few years. I’m afraid my son will be an abuser and my daughters will be abused. I did my best, but I can’t be myself and my husband. I hate being in a hopeless situation where I seem to be invisible or irrelevant or even a source of contempt to my husband.
Comment by Sarah — April 4, 2013 @ 3:52 am
Sarah,
It’s also very sad – and I think part of your anger – that you feel so powerless. You do have power to assert yourself and take actions, but self-esteem can become eroded living in an abusive marriage. Get outside help to begin rebuilding your self-worth and confidence or perhaps couples counseling. Things won’t improve unless you take action. There is hope – for you even if your husband never changes. If you haven’t already, I suggest you get my books on my website, http://www.whatiscodependency.com. Best wishes, Darlene
Comment by admin — April 5, 2013 @ 2:02 am
I just left an emotionally abusive relationship on apr 1 of this year .
i left him three times in the past he was abusive once and i got a restraining order on him but he convinced me he recieved help and even showed papers on the various counseling sessions he went to i thought i was safe but i wasnt because he continued the verbal part of it.
It was subtle in many ways he wouldnt pay any bills he demanded and controlled every aspect of my life he didnt want me to use my cell phone or go any place by myself he had alot of health issues and i was there for all of them.
there was no communication between us unless he wanted something from me then he would play nice.
i was giving and he did all the recieveing i would address this and he would talk and treat me like i was crazy
so i moved to another state its hard but i have the support of my mother and the freedom to go and do as i please i am so happy now.
Comment by annmarie — April 13, 2013 @ 8:57 am
That took a lot courage and good for you that you recognized and wouldn’t tolerate a one-sided relationship. Best of luck in your new life. Know that you need time to heal from the trauma you went through and to trust yourself and life again. Darlene
Comment by admin — April 13, 2013 @ 5:20 pm
Thank you for posting this article. I definitely grew up with emotional abuse, as well as physical and sexual abuse. I’ve addressed both the physical and sexual abuse. However, I’d not considered the verbal abuse. I had been verbally abusive myself to others. After going through the Landmark Forum, It became apparent to me that it was time to give up the anger. I could see how holding on to the anger had impacted my life and the lives of the people around me. As I’ve stopped speaking to myself and those around me abusively and taking responsibility for the impact of my actions when I slipped back. I began to notice how my best friend, who had also taken the Forum, speaks to me. Most of the time, things go well. Until he is struggling. And then he goes into a rage and berates me. According to him, I’m the one with the problem: self-centered, selfish, wrong, a liar.
I’ve been setting boundaries, as the article recommends, of telling him I’ll not continue the conversation if he continues to talk to me that way or tries to pick a fight and walking away. When I do, he says, “Sure, just walk away instead of facing this. That’s real mature. For someone who wants to sort this out, you sure aren’t doing things to support that.” If I follow through, he send me text messages telling me to stop being so self-centered or quit trying to make everything about me and how dare I walk away.
I finally, after he berated me in front of my husband, recognized that what he does IS abuse, exactly what my father did while I was growing up. I mentioned it to his husband in front of him. He reacted with saying my father did not abuse me and neither does he, that I am playing the victim. Being a victim had no occurred to me, more relief of being able to put a name to the uncomfortable feeling I’d felt when he behaves that way. I realized it wasn’t me trying to be a victim, rather him attempting to make me his victim. By standing up to him and refusing to engage in the argument, I refused to be his victim any longer. I still doubted that what he was doing was actually abuse and felt confused if I was just “playing the victim.” Within your article, I saw much of his behavior- telling me what I’m thinking and arguing with me when I disagree. The constant correction and calling me out on everything I do wrong. Never apologizing for anything.
Thank you so much for posting this article. No more verbal abuse for this reader!
Comment by Lindsay — April 23, 2013 @ 5:38 pm
Thank you for your great post. It takes a lot of courage and persistence and support to change old habits – especially when you’re under fire as you describe. Abusers often attack you for not listening. Actually, they really do feel abandoned and often don’t realize they’re being abusive. It’s helpful to let them know you’re interested in their feelings when they can tell you without raising their voice or labeling you, like “not mature.” One reason the persist is without a victim, they feel tremendous shame and pain that they cannot put on someone else. You may like my article on “The Truth about Abusive Relationships,” and my ebook on assertiveness, “How to Speak Your Mind – Become Assertive and Set Limits” See my website, http://www.whatiscodependency.com.
Comment by admin — April 23, 2013 @ 6:21 pm